Anne Osborn -- "I knew it was true."

I walked into priesthood meeting early one Sunday morning in (or around) 1970 and was startled to see a stunningly beautiful girl sitting on the stand as though she belonged there. There was also another woman and there were two men, none of whom were familiar. Bishop Donaldson of the Stanford 2nd Ward informed us that he had invited these four people to tell us about their recent conversion.

I don't remember anything any of them said except the girl. She informed us that her name was Anne Osborn, that she was a medical student at Stanford, and that she had been baptized just two days before. It was not lost on us that her first church meeting as a fully baptized Mormon was priesthood meeting.

Having been asked to tell us about her conversion, Anne complied in amazing detail with primary emphasis on the most recent three weeks. I'd never heard such an explicit description of the way the Holy Ghost works in a conversion, nor the way the adversary tries to nullify the process. She never actually mentioned "Holy Ghost" or "adversary" or any similar terms, but it was clear what had happened. I sat transfixed. It seemed as though every spiritual experience I'd ever had in my entire life was being described with words for the first time. So that's how it's expressed! How it sounds! And the whole thing accompanied a spiritual atmosphere so dense that one scarcely dared to breathe. It was an experience that I'll never forget.

Anne went on to become a popular fireside speaker. No wonder, I thought, with the story she has to tell. She wrote a number of Church books and she wrote articles in official and semi-official Church publications. She eventually married Ron Poelman, a widowed general authority. Vocationally, she became an internationally recognized neuroradiologist writing texts and publishing innumerable papers. One can Google her as "Anne G. Osborn" to get a flavor of her vocational acclaim or as "Anne Osborn Poelman" for the church flavor.

A few years after the priesthood meeing, I had an opportunity to attend one of her firesides. I looked forward to a reprise of her amazing account. She spent the better part of an entire hour telling about her conversion. She even mentioned the priesthood meeting, but she covered the main three week climax of her conversion in a single sentence: "I studied with the missionaries for three weeks and was baptized."

Yeah? That was it?! What a disappointment.

At the conclusion of the fireside, I told her that I was at that priesthood meeting and heard her amazing account and wanted to hear it again. She said, "Oh, I never talk about those things. They're too sacred."

OK, that I understood. As Dale Mouritsen points out, the word "mystery" as in "mysteries of the kingdom" come from a root that means "keep you're mouth shut." You're not supposed to talk about them. They're for you, only. If you try to talk about them, you'll likely lose them. But that doesn't apply to me, I thought. I can talk about Anne's experiences. I can record what she said -- and I remember a lot of it! I won't lose them because they're not mine to lose. And I fully intended to do this in a written journal form -- this form.

But as I sat down to compose the words I would use, I couldn't do it. Her expressions remain inexpressible! They're not only her experiences, they're my experiences too, and I cannot put them into words! And now I understand 3 Nephi 19:34.

One example I will record, however, because it illustrates the principle of testimony and of spiritual knowledge and because I fully intend to use it some day in a testimony meeting or in a talk. It is a rather mundane account of the climax of her story:

She described how she was interviewed by the zone leaders just before she was baptized. During such interviews, they determine the extent of a person's gospel understanding and the solidity of the person's testimony. It includes the understanding of the nature of the Godhead. She had had all the lessons, but she had considered these discussions symbolic. How can one understand the nature of God? During the interview, she became aware for the first time that she was supposed to view God as literally having a body and as existing in space and time. This was not possible! She was a medical student. How was she supposed to perceive God as having a body of flesh?! She argued with the zone leaders -- and failed the interview.

They told her to go into an adjacent room by herself and pray about it.

She collapsed in tears. The whole thing was a fraud. How could she have been so duped? Where had those amazing experiences and feelings come from? Her depression was the deepest it had been since the process had started and in the agony of her soul, she uttered a prayer to whomever and whatever she had been associated with for weeks. She immediately found herself lifted to the highest joy and euphoria that she had experienced since the process had started and she informed us, "I knew it was true!"

And we knew that she knew.

Submissive, Gentle

The most pointed part of my "mantra" (which see in a recent blog) is the phrase, "be submissive and gentle." The entire mantra is significant, but this phrase provides the most intense and reliable spiritual jolt. "Submissive" by itself doesn't do it. Neither does "gentle" by itself. It takes both of them.

Clearly this is an area in which the Lord is especially desirous of having me make progress. My basic personality is neither submissive nor gentle. The two together form a total disconnect, but my nature is to be changed to fit. Only God can change our basic nature. Can I doubt that He will succeed? If so, is it not my faith that must be strengthened?

Alma 7:23 is the only place in scriptures where this combination occurs. Elder Scott's talk was vital for me to hear and to experience.

James E. Faust, Pauline, and Juliet

In James E. Faust's final general conference talk (April, 2007), he described in some detail the recent situation among the Amish where a non-Amish milkman went crazy and murdered five of their girls and wounded five others before taking his own life. The Amish community responded with instant forgiveness even sharing the money they received as contributions with the family of the milkman declaring that they were as much victims as the Amish were.

President Faust also mentioned the bishop who lost his wife and two of his children to the actions of a drunk driver on Christmas Eve, 2006. This bishop frankly and immediately forgave the young man who was responsible.

President Faust also mentioned a few other similar incidents, concluding that forgiveness is empowering and leads to health, whereas hate is debilitating and leads to illness.

When I was 15, an event occurred which, over the next few decades, taught me some unsettling things about myself. At that time, two 15 year old girls by the name of Pauline Parker and Juliet Hulme in Christchurch, New Zealand, murdered one Nora Parker who happened to be the mother of Pauline thereby creating an international scandal.

I hated those two girls. I hated them for three reasons:

1. I couldn't imagine a more horrible crime than murdering your own mother or helping someone else do that.

2. They were my age. In fact they were respectively three months and two months older than I, which was even worse.

3. They were girls! Girls are better than boys. That was my perception as a 15 year old and it's pretty much my perception as a 69 year old. Girls have higher standards than boys. They are held to higher standards by society. They hold themselves to higher standards.

For two girls, my age, to have committed such a horrible crime...! Well, it was obvious that they were the most evil people in the history of the world and would reign with Satan in eternity, Pauline on Satan's right hand and Juliet on his left. I was appalled that New Zealand didn't provide for capital punishment for teenagers. I didn't realize at the time that no civilized country allowed for capital punishment for teenagers, but I felt that I would be perfectly willing to be their executioner myself and I made sure everyone knew that, and I even fantasized how I would do it. It was a good thing that New Zealand was far away from Utah.

I thought about this some five decades later as I stood across the desk from Juliet Hulme to solicit her autograph on a book that she had written. I had missed the book signing the previous day at Deseret Book and so I was attending the one at a Barns and Noble in Salt Lake City. I was acutely aware that here was one of the girls I had once fantasized killing.

Of course, by that time I knew a little about her history. She was sentenced to five years in an adult prison, the maximum sentence that could be imposed on a teenager in New Zealand. When she was released, she assumed a new identity and disappeared from public awareness. Pauline served her five years, was then on probation for another five years, then she, too, disappeared from public awareness. In 1992, a movie about this event was released entitled Heavenly Creatures. The part of Juliet Hulme was played by Kate Winslet. This role jump-started Winslet's career. I don't remember off-hand the actress who played the Pauline part. As a result of this movie, some investigative reporters set out to find out what happened to these two girls. Juliet was located and was immediately outed as the well-established novelist Anne Perry – and as a Mormon. Pauline was also located, but her situation was more tragic and even these conscience-challenged reporters decided not to out her. That was left for later, even more conscience-challenged reporters.

The outing of Juliet Hulme immediately induced the Church to publish an article in The Church News which stated, in effect, that the church knew all about Anne Perry, AKA Juliet Hulme. When she was converted in her late 20's, the First Presidency carefully reviewed her case and approved her for baptism and for being washed clean of all her sins! Since then she has served the church well in a number of ways including use of her writing skills. She has written material for various official and semi-official church publications both under her own name (Anne Perry, to which she legally had her name changed) as well, especially earlier, as a ghost writer for various GA's. She was also the primary contributor to the well-received History of the Mormon Church in the British Isles.

And this was one of the girls whom I had hated so much that I had fantasized killing.

We never know all the circumstances surrounding any action. That's one of the lessons from this event. When Juliet Hulme was outed, news media of the entire world wanted to interview her -- so many that she was totally overwhelmed and quickly lost count. The interview I heard was on NPR's Fresh Aire of which Juliet/Anne told me she had no recollection. In this interview, Terry Gross asked her the question that all of them asked: “Why did you do it?” Her response was that she was faced with a horrible choice. It was either the life of her friend or the life of her friend's mother. If Nora continued to live, Pauline would die. She chose the life of her friend.

(Pauline was anorexic. Juliet was keeping her alive. Nora was not understanding of that situation and was intent on taking Pauline away from New Zealand. That would result in Pauline's death. It was as simple as that. That was the perception of both girls.)

Of course, that turned out to be very bad judgement on the part of adolescent girls. Fifteen year olds – even fifteen year old girls – are not known for clear, mature thinking. Perhaps that's not an excuse or a justification. It's just a reason. But I see the possibility that God would understand this reason. Certainly the First Presidency seemed to see it that way.

This whole multi-decade incident has given me insight into my propensities and basic nature. I wonder how much of it has "taken." When I hear of some of the horrific acts perpetrated by some people in this world, I find that the hate, anger, and fantasies that well up inside of me are not qualitatively different from those of my 15-year old self. And yet how many of the "reasons" might the Lord be inclined to forgive? Many of the people who are doing really horrible things have the best of motives. They believe that they are doing the will of God. They are even willing to sacrifice their own lives if necessary. These aren't just words, they're actions. We believe, perhaps we even know by the Spirit, that they are most horribly mistaken.

Saul of Tarsus would have been termed a "terrorist" if that word had been in vogue among the early saints. He was horribly mistaken. The scriptures so testify. He went through hell to attain his eventual status of Paul, the great apostle of the Lord.

So do we know for sure how the Lord will judge the current terrorists? They are under the influence of him who has promised to reign upon this earth with carnage and terror and who seems to be quite successful. But whose fault is that? Theirs? Unconditionally? Are we sure? Was it Paul's? Certainly they will have to go through significant "hell" just as Paul did, but thereafter, who will be standing closer to salvation after the judgement, Bin Laden or myself? The fact that the answer is not completely obvious is troubling.

And that brings us back to Pres. Faust's talk. Even the most obvious open-and-shut cases can have exonerating circumstances. That being so in Pauline and Juliet's case, how much more might it be so in most family or neighborhood squabbles where the consequences are far less dramatic. President Faust points out that God will forgive whom He will forgive, but as for us, we are required to forgive all men. (D&C 64:10)

The Mantra

I sit down for a spiritual interlude with a recently DVR'd BYU devotional and, with a stab of disappointment, realize it's by Elder Scott. Elder Scott's not my favorite GA. Too cloyingly sweet for my taste, and I voice same to the Lord and receive a sharp rebuke by the spirit.

Wo! That surprises me. Whenever I'm doing anything worthy of a rebuke, which is often, I don't have the spirit at all. This is a rare event. In fact, I don't remember it ever happening before.

I sit up straight with eyes wide. Ok, ok! I get it. I'll give him the respect and attention he deserves. The spirit confirms that this is the right decision.

His talk centers primarily on Alma 7:23:

“And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.”

That's one of those verses containing the entire ten commandments in a single sentence, one which you read quickly through without trying to comprehend every clause because you're trying to get through 4 pages in ten minutes. “Yes, that's Book of Mormon language, alright. Beautiful... I think.”

It takes an entire BYU devotional to explain it all, phrase by phrase.

Did I understand Elder Scott? Be humble, be submissive and gentle, easy to be entreated.... What's that mean? Easily entreated? “Please, sir, can you spare a dollar?” “Hello, little sister. No I can't. I saw you on Channel 2 News where it was suggested that your claim to being homeless is a bald-faced lie....” Does that qualify? If I say it with loving kindness? Hm.... full of patience and long suffering.... All those qualities which are completely incompatible with my personality, but totally compatible with Elder Scott's.

Ok, I've got some work to do here, Lord. A little help would be helpful. Only God can change one's basic nature. That's what C. S. Lewis says. It's also what our evangelical, born-again Christian friends say. Not to mention the atonement. The parable of the bicycle and all. Ok, Lord. I'm ready for my basic nature to be changed. I'll try to cooperate with the process. Please let me know what, when, and how. It's in your court. Isn't it?

New mantra: humble, submissive and gentle, easily entreated, full of patience and long-suffering. Humble, submissive, gentle, entreat, patience, long-suffering. Humblesubmissivegentle....

And I'm parked at Smith's, a huge SUV next to me. The only way to get out of here is to check to make sure no one is behind me then slowly back out to where I can see around this SUV and make sure it's safe to back out further. Someone lays on their horn with a resounding bellow that reverberates for a totally unnecessary eternity. I show great restraint by laying on my own horn for a mere half as long as he did.

Be humble, submissive and gentle, easy to entreat, full of patience and long suffering. Be humble, submissive, gentle, entreat, patience, long suffering.

I follow him out of the parking lot.

Humble, submissive, gentle....

He turns down 33rd.

...patience, long suffering. I could use some help here, Lord. Humble, submissive....

He turns into the outside lane. I immediately pull over into the inside lane, planning to pass him.

...gentle, entreat...

I get some passing help. He comes to a sudden stop behind a line of a half dozen cars. Someone's having trouble making a right turn. I zoom past him, fully prepared to glare it him... in a humble, submissive way, of course.

And I catch a side-view glimpse of a little man with sparse white hair, a few strands of which are sticking straight up as though wave-set into that position. A web of skin drapes from the tip of his chin to his Adam's apple. His hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly that I can almost see his white knuckles from here. His mouth is open wide and so are his eyes staring at the car in front of him, and his look says, “What's happening?! The whole world is conspiring to get me! I just want to get home! I'm not sure I'm going to survive! Oh, me! I'm not going to make it! I'm not going to make it!” And my heart melts. I want to take him in my arms and tell him, “It's OK. It's OK. There, there. You're going to be fine. God loves you, little man... and so do I.”

Mantra, aside, God does help. We are works in progress.

Anniversary

We've been married 41 years. Not only does Carolyn aver that. My own extensive math skills confirm it. At least after a misstep or two.

When did we actually become one? In thought and purpose? In feeling and perception? Or, at least, if not exactly one, where there may be differences, when did the other's become OK, too? When did I first look at her and feel overwhelmingly grateful for the shear love I felt for her? For God's having put us together?

It wasn't 41 years ago, that's for sure. We were both much too self-centered then and saw our joining as a means of satisfying our own personal needs – needs for companionship, for completion in a world that demanded marriage unification, for fitting together like pieces of a puzzle – spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

But it wasn't that recent, either. It wasn't this year. Perhaps not even this decade. Or even this double decade.

Never the less, this year it probably reached its zenith – so far, at least.

The Sunday afternoon before my big cancer surgery, we sat together on the love-seat in the living room as close as we could get, acutely aware that our remaining time of unity on this earth may be measured in a small number of months. We started talking and found that we were finishing each other's sentences, “yes, and...” “yes, and...” and discovering that we had the same thoughts, the same perceptions, the same emotions, the same large set of questions, the same small set of answers. A stream of consciousness flowed in, through, and around us enveloping us in common awareness, and to paraphrase a sentence out of “Return with Honor,” it was as though every cell in our bodies was resonating at the frequency of love. We were understanding with a single mind, loving with a single heart.

It was an afternoon I will never forget.

What's left over from that experience is that I can no longer conceive of Exaltation without that relationship with Carolyn on an on-going, permanent basis.

Understanding with a single mind.

Loving with a single heart.

And being grateful....

The Long Story

This is the “long story” mentioned in “Testimony.” I'll place it here because I like it and no one else will read it anyway.

My January, 2008, hernia repair surgery took more than two hours. That worried Carolyn because her full hip replacement surgery took barely an hour. Dr Kim came out and told Carolyn and Michelle that everything went fine but that he found some “calcified scare tissue” which was unusual. He figured it was nothing to worry about but since he didn't know what it was, he sent it to the pathologist to identify it. Dr. Benjamin Kim is a noted oncology surgeon and the fact that he didn't immediately recognize it is an indication of how rare it is.

A week later, when we went in for our follow-up appointment, he said that he had talked to the pathologist just before our appointment and the news was “serious.” He said it was MFH (malignant fibrous histiocycoma) in the spermatic chord. That was a rare combination and he wrote those words down on paper so that we could google them. I jokingly asked him, “How long do I have to live,” and he non-jokingly responded, “I'm not sure.” MFH of the spermatic chord is very rare – only a couple of dozen cases are noted in recorded history, but it was somewhat safer than MFH in the general abdominal cavity. He said that he had not found a core mass from which the tumor could be emanating. When asked if that was good or bad, he said he wasn't sure. He tip-toed around the question, but one got the impression that it probably wasn't a good sign. It could mean that the core mass was somewhere else in the abdomen and that it had simply metastasized to the spermatic chord. It turned out he had a hunch that the mysterious indications in the August, 2007 CT scan which had alternately been diagnosed as a small diverticulitis that had not shown up in the colonoscopy or as an appendix aploica was in reality this core mass – which turned out to be essentially correct – but he didn't tell us of his hunch until later.

However, the Internet gave us much unvarnished information about MFH reported with clinical detachment. There were some cases of spermatic chord MFH which had been cured, but it was by no means 50%. MFH in an extremity such as an arm or leg could sometimes be cured by removing the arm or leg. MFH in the abdominal cavity was almost never cured. The likelihood of my surviving for five years with such was pretty much nil and more likely death would occur within three years. It was only our state of denial that gave us any hope at all. It had to be in the spermatic chord and we would be one of the minority cases that would be cured. The foreboding image of it emanating from a large mass higher up in the abdomen and the death-sentence that would be, we tried to ignore.

I always thought that I was so spiritually mature and at ease with death being part of life and a necessary step toward exaltation that I would completely bypass the stages of mourning when presented with the prospect of my own death. That proved to be incorrect. I didn't jump straight from information to acceptance. I don't think I was ever in the anger stage. That was one that I missed, but all the others were there. As mentioned above, denial was prominent in all our information research, and we struggled to maintain it even as data gnawed at it. I'm not sure about Carolyn, but I, myself, went through the negotiation stage in my fervent prayers. Well, I'm sure Carolyn did that too. Depression was a biggy for both of us. It was the main issue for the three weeks that we thought I might die soon. And, as suggested on the Internet, we went in and out, back and forth, from one of these stages to another.

The acceptance stage was gradually solidifying around us. I began to make plans for what I needed to accomplish in the next year or so of healthy life I had left. Spiritual issues became preeminently important. We saw into eternity and making plans for it were vital. Our dedication to the Lord and our commitment to Him increased significantly. We even agreed that we would be willing to serve a couple mission if we got the chance.

Tom and Bill administered to me. So did Bishop Reese and Bob Palmer, our high priests group leader. Many in the family held a fast day for me – which I was scarcely aware of. Helen contacted her entire posterity and had my name put on the prayer rolls of various temples. Later she recited to me a partial list of those temples in places around the world. I didn't remember many of them except that I noted at the time that she named temples in places I didn't know there were temples. Also, she said that many of her posterity attended the temple and participated in the prayer circle in my behalf.

Dr Kim tried to give us hope. My unusual case was being carefully monitored by the “cancer board” which met every Friday and consisted of experts and specialists from all over the valley. He had gotten lots of suggestions and council from all sorts of different disciplines. He said that during the surgery, they would send real-time samples to the pathologist to guide the scalpel. They prepped me to allow him to remove part of my colon or intestine if necessary and promised that any disorder at the incision boundary would be taken care of by radiation. If the pre-op CT scan showed any tumor seeds in the lungs (which it didn't), they could also be excised. All in all, it stood a good chance of lengthening my life span. He tried to be encouraging and, if the promise of good outcome disagreed with the Internet, it must only be because of excellent progress that had recently been made and because of Dr. Kim's great reputation (and it is great as indicated from the Internet and from many good words about him given us by friends and by physicians) – and because we went in and out of denial.

In the weeks before the surgery, Carolyn schooled me in numerous exercises to say, “Hi, Honey, I'm fine, I love you” as soon as I became conscious after surgery and saw her for the first time. This I did. Her face was the first thing I remember seeing and I repeated as trained, “Hi, Honey, I'm fine, I love you.” She seemed to barely force a smile, said almost nothing, and disappeared immediately. I was disappointed. Didn't I do it right?

I was told that she went somewhere and broke down. It had been a trying six hours.

We were told that the operating room was scheduled for only two hours. I kissed Carolyn and was wheeled away at about 2 p.m. She and Michelle expected the surgery to be finished by 4 p.m. Instead, I was moved to a holding room for an hour and was taken to the operating room at about 3 p.m. People puttered around, Dr. Kim came in and greeted me, and the next thing I was aware of was Carolyn looking at me over the bed railing. The surgery actually toke more than four hours. Carolyn and Michelle received no information until 7 p.m. and it was another hour before they could see me. Beginning at 4 p.m., Carolyn became increasingly panicky and was beside herself after a three hour wait.

The surgery encountered a rather large tumor called a “well-differentiated lyposarcoma,” or a cancer of the fat tissue. Guided by the real-time pathology analysis, this entire tumor was excised together with all the fat in my lower left abdominal cavity. Also excised was the left spermatic chord and the left testicle. Since the spermatic chord contains the blood vessels that supply the testicle, the latter could not be left in after the chord was removed. Dr. Kim described the excised tumor mass and held up his hands to show an approximate size which Carolyn reported, with some dismay, as being the size and shape of a football. He later clarified that it wasn't the shape of a football. It was more the shape of a squid with the body at the top and the tentacles reaching down the cavity into and around the spermatic chord. Since the tumor was a lyposarcoma and did not involve the anything except the fat tissue, it was not necessary to remove any of the colon or the intestine. He reported having placed “clips” in my body to delineate the excision margins and to help position the gun for later radiation treatment.

Carolyn spent most of her time with me in the hospital room, so she was there four days later when Dr. Kim came in late Saturday afternoon and uttered the words: “Good news!” It seems that almost nothing of the original MFH was found in the pathology report. There was just “one microscopic location” of the original tumor in the center of the excision mass. The MFH had therefor been removed with a “generous margin” as is required to stop this tumor. An examination of the three lymph nodes that had also been removed showed no tumor. This is good evidence that the tumor had not widely metastasized and that, statistically speaking, it had all been removed although the pathology report (which see on the Head Family web site) included the standard CYA clause stating that they were unable to test for distant metastasis. In other words, at the time of the hernia repair, most of the dangerous tumor was removed when it was excised to send to the pathologist. This shows that even the scariest cancers can be dealt with if found early enough, and the hernia had accomplished that.

A well-differentiated lyposarcoma is relatively benign. It seldom metastasizes and can be controlled almost indefinitely through surgery. I told Dr. Kim that this was my understanding of “benign tumor .” He said rather emphatically that it is definitely a malignant tumor, so I had to look up the medical definition of malignant vs benign.

A benign tumor does not metastasize, it does not invade other organs, and it is encapsulated inside a membrane. A well-differentiated lypsarcoma does not usually metastasize or invade other organs, but it is not covered with a membrane and does invade the space between organs. It will eventually crowd the organs and disrupt their function, thereby killing the patient. When excised, it usually comes back where it was before.

Note that “well-differentiated” means that the tumor still behaves like the original material from which it comes. A non-differentiated tumor is tissue which has lost all former functionality and appears to have, as it's one objective, to simply grow beyond all bounds. “Well-differentiated” means that the cancer tissue still performs much of its original function. In this case, it stores fat when told to by the body's endocrine system. It pulls blood lipids out of the blood or converts blood sugars to fat and stores them. When called upon, it will also release these into the blood. It grows when we gain weight and shrinks when we diet, etc. The problem is that it continues to grow even when we are maintaining a stable body weight. It looks almost exactly like fat in the CT scan and can be distinguished from it only by examining it closely. Dr. Kim showed us some of the images obtained during the arthroscopic investigative examination that proceeded the surgery. They show the tumor with a blue tint compared to the pink of the fat.

But it grows slowly and, as stated, can usually be controlled with surgery. The Internet says that the five year survival rate is essentially 100%. Probably it's most severe problem is its propensity to mutate to a much more deadly form. And that's what it seems to have done in this case. It became an MFH. No one knows why this mutation occurred, but it is suspected that the lypsarcoma, which must have been with me for a long time, was induced to mutate by the radiation treatment that I received as part of my prostate tumor treatment in 2001. That's about the right time frame. If the radiation had stimulated a tumor from scratch, the intervening seven years would be a rather short time frame for such to show up. But for a single genetic mutation that would be necessary to convert a lyposarcoma to an MFH, seven years is about right, particularly considering that it was found early, and if it hadn't been found so early, it would have been a number of years later and well advanced when it finally made its presence noticed.

In any case, the pathology report could not identify any incision margins that would be suitable candidates for radiation, so no radiation is planned. Note the neither of these tumors, neither the MFH nor the lyposarcoma, are considered to be good candidates for chemo. Chemo would only be used if it were found to have widely metastasized and that would be considered to be a last-ditch effort with little hope of long-term success.

As it is, the planned management is to take a full torso CT scan every 6 to 9 months and watch the progress of the lyposarcoma or anything else that might be increasing in size. Dr. Kim suggests that in five to eight years, another surgery will likely be needed. And, of course, God has a tool he can use to take me anytime he wants. Another mutation will likely be undetected until it is too late and my death will follow within a year or two.

Of course I already have my chronic productive cough which has been with me since 2003, cannot seem to be effectively treated my medical science, and is getting worse. It could turn into fatal pneumonia anytime the Lord desires.

Maybe next time we will truly be able to skip all those other stages of mourning and jump right to acceptance after all.

June Testimony -- Cancer Health Log

Testimony born 6/1/08

I bear my testimony once a year near the anniversary of our move to Utah. That's the third week of October. I do that deliberately because I noted in California that I would bear my testimony about once a decade, which didn't seem quite what the Lord would want.

It's amazing how often that comes around. No wonder that was such a seldom event in California.

Anyway, I knew what I would use as the content of my testimony this year, and started preparing it months ago, and I find myself going over it and over it in my mind while going to sleep and while waking up, etc. By the time November rolls around, it will be over rehearsed, as has happened before, and will be rattled off in a memorized, sing-song way, totally devoid of Spirit.

When a long silence occurred in Fast and Testimony Meeting this month, I felt I should just get up and unload it now. So I did. Amazing how much comment I received thereafter. I don't remember such a reaction any other time in my life.

Anyway, the following is nearly word for word what I said since it was well on the way to being memorized and over-rehearsed:

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Brethren and sisters, we experienced a life scrambling event this past year. It was awful. We couldn't believe something so terrible was happening to us. However, it is quite common and happens to lots of people, and will happen to many if not most of us sometime during our lifetime, and often Fast and Testimony Meeting becomes a vehicle to help us work through the issues involved.

In April conference, Elder Oaks told us what a testimony is. He also told us what a testimony is not. Included in the long list of things it is not, he said it is not a “health log.”

So let me get the health log part of my testimony out of the way as quickly as possible to minimize violation of Elder Oak's principles.

In January, I went in for a routine hernia repair, at which time the surgeon encountered a somewhat rare but very scarey form of cancer. The Internet offered the unvarnished information, reported with clinical detachment, that my likelihood of living for five years was pretty much nil, and that more likely I would be dead within three years. Three weeks later I underwent major surgery with the cancer as the focus, after which time the pathology report was more optimistic. It extended the three years to three decades, meaning that something else would likely kill me first.

That completes the health log part of my testimony. There's actually a long story behind all that involving three different forms of cancer, two of which are related, and the amazing timing and location of the hernia. I love this story and tell it at the drop of a hat, but I've noticed that people become uncomfortably bored by the end of it, and if I tried it here, Elder Oaks would definitely be unhappy.

During the three weeks we thought I would die soon, I received a priesthood blessing from my family and a priesthood blessing from our priesthood leaders here in the ward. My extended family held a fast for me and my sister arranged for her large posterity to place my name on prayer rolls around the world in temples in places where I didn't know there were temples.

My concept of Eternal Progression is that it consists of a series of two steps forward followed by one to two steps backward – a series of these interspersed on rare occasions by great strides forward induced primarily by adversity.

That happened to us. During the three weeks that we thought I would die soon, our perspective broadened to eternity, important things became crystal clear, priorities were obvious, our dedication to the Lord increased by an order of magnitude as did our commitment to conform our lives to His will. We even decided that we would be willing to go on a couple mission if that were to be possible. We were well on our way to having our calling and election made sure.

And then the doctor came into our hospital room late one afternoon and uttered the words, “Good News!” We were overjoyed – and went right back to where we were before.

That's a new aspect of Eternal Progression I've never thought of. It's not only possible to make great strides forward in leaps and bounds, it's also possible to make leaps and bounds backward, which thing I had never considered.

I received a reprieve! I don't know why I received a reprieve. I didn't expect a reprieve. From my experience, reprieves don't happen. So why did I receive a reprieve? Perhaps the answer may be found in a quote from Brigham Young who told the saints:

“Don't be discouraged if you haven't had the privilege the older members have had of being robbed, driven and mobbed, and plundered of everything you own. You have the promise that, if you remain true and faithful, you too will be tried in all things.” [Brigham Young, Journal History, 14 February 1853, LDS Church Archives]

That gives me something to work on.

But there are some things that remain with us. For instance, I know there is life after death. Not the way Hugh Nibley received such knowledge. He describes that, as a young man, he became quite concerned about whether or not there was life after death and prayed mightily to get that knowledge. His prayer was answered dramatically. In one of those be-careful-what-you-pray-for experiences which I'm not sure how many of us would choose to duplicate – I'm not sure if he would have chosen to have such if he'd known it was going to happen.... Serves him right. That's OK, I'll be satisfied with a simple spiritual confirmation. That's more convincing, anyway. Spirit to spirit. Overwhelming conviction.

I know that there is life after death. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we will all be resurrected. I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can all be saved in the Kingdom of God if we cooperate with the process. I know that Joseph Smith was the prophet through whom Christ revealed the process, and I know that Thomas S Monson is the Lord's prophet today.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Eternal Content?

Nicholas Negroponte claims that anything that isn't digitized will disintegrate but that bits last forever. Bits do not fade. They do not mold. They are not an appetizing meal for insects or mice. Although nearly everyone expresses doubt that bits are so permanent, Negroponte makes a good case given the direction in which technology is going. So, in 200 years, where will our descendants find information about us? In musty attic trunks full of moldy paper? Or on the 23rd century version of the Internet?

Believing that it will be the latter, I am laboring to make sure our data is in bit form and is properly staged to be propelled into an endless future.

Given current technology, blogging seems to be a useful tool for generating this content although I detect that it is time limited. Photos and videos show signs of disappearing as blogger.com takes steps to limit their own storage requirements. It is necessary to transfer these blogs to a site that will likely cost money in the near future.

But first things first. Get the content, then make it permanent. That said, I will also avail myself of this medium for content generation. But not daily.